When Walking Away Is Self-Preservation And Not Cruelty

My family has always been dysfunctional.

I was never able to be the perfect daughter, the role was already filled. Secrets were kept. Abuse,  mental, emotional, and physical, was brushed aside, rushed out of sight, and buried under denial. From the outside, everything looked “normal.” From the inside, it was chaos wrapped in silence.

I learned very early that my value mattered more than their version of reality. That my sanity needed saving. So I walked away.

Not dramatically. Not impulsively. Quietly. Carefully. Because staying was costing me myself.

I only returned years later for one reason: my son asked to meet his family. And I did not feel it was my right to deny him that connection. But let me be honest, the ride back in has been bumpy, painful, and deeply revealing.

Eleven months after lying to me, my father apologised. My sister remains firmly in denial. And then came the familiar deflection: “I’m too old now for any family drama.” As if age erases harm. As if time excuses truth.

It doesn’t.

Cut-Off Parents Are Not Victims

Estranged parents often want to wear the victim badge proudly.

They tell people their child abandoned them “for no reason.”They act confused. Heartbroken. Betrayed.They insist they “did their best.”

What they leave out is everything that led to the distance.

They don’t mention the emotional abuse they refuse to acknowledge.The boundaries they trampled repeatedly.The apologies they never gave.The accountability they never took.The manipulation, gaslighting, and toxicity their child finally chose to escape.

Estrangement doesn’t happen overnight.

It is not impulsive.It is not vindictive.It is not done lightly.

It is the last resort, after countless attempts to communicate were dismissed, after boundaries were ignored, after hope slowly died. It is what happens when you finally accept that the people hurting you have no intention of changing.

But they will never tell that story.

Instead, they paint you as cruel. Ungrateful. Influenced by someone else. Anything except the truth, that you protected yourself from people who refused to stop hurting you, even when those people were your parents.

Blood Is Not a Free Pass

Being a parent does not grant immunity from consequences.

It does not entitle anyone to a relationship regardless of how they behave. Blood does not obligate us to endure abuse, disrespect, or emotional harm just to keep the peace.

Choosing distance is not abuse.Choosing peace is not punishment.Setting boundaries is not cruelty.

It is self-preservation.

And if they had spent half the energy they use playing the victim on actually being better parents, estrangement would never have been necessary.

They are not being mistreated.They are simply experiencing the consequences of their actions.

If You Stay, Boundaries Are Non-Negotiable

Some of us return,  for our children, for clarity, or for closure. If you stay, you must stay awake.

No more silence.No more self-betrayal.No more shrinking to make others comfortable.

Boundaries must be clear, firm, and enforced, not explained endlessly. If they are violated, consequences must follow. Not threats. Not lectures. Action.

If that feels impossible, that’s your answer.

If You Walk Away, You Are Not Weak

Doing everything solo is hard.Being painted as the villain hurts.Carrying the weight alone is exhausting.

But let me tell you something:

It beats being treated as if you are worth nothing.

I honestly stand and laugh now when more drama appears, because I see it for what it is. Noise. Deflection. Fear of accountability.

Find your boundaries within your family.Stand up or walk away.

Either choice requires courage.Both require honesty.And neither makes you a bad person.

Choosing yourself never does. 

Create your own family …. It never has to be blood related. It just has to be a family, that sees you, hears you loves you for who you are.